Give me the key.
I don’t have it. There are days when I want my own space, but then again, where is that space supposed to be. I have lived from a backpack for so long it almost feels suffocating to be stationary for too long. My meditation practice doesn’t always help, and I lose sight of my practices, internal and external with the onslaught of new events, booze, and sleeping in.
I feel guilt for not knowing at times and remind myself that my path is one of creation. Could I get a job? Yes. I could. I could work for someone else and make money, but what is the point of that– I am surviving without mindless jobs.
Having a stable location would possibly help me find out if getting a 9-5 job would help me understand that the key is inside me, but I believe the real issue is existing between non-purpose and true purpose.
The key is probably so simple. It is probably just sitting there invisible right in front of me, with every breath of gratitude and awareness, yet I am programmed and conditioned to not turn it.
The illusion of money and happiness and suffering spin me around and I prefer to feel happiness and gratitude, so why is it that I feel suffering or pain or sadness every morning before the day starts and I can begin anew?
Basketball has created a path for me. It has cleared away fiscal debt and years of success and identity, but now as I look behind me I see a forest I already walked through and in front of me, I see a desert I don’t know in which direction to walk.
A mirage shakes in the distance and my legs stumble. I go back to doing things that make me recognize my old self. A coaching lesson here. A basketball tip here. I smile and think of my old self and feel brave and stupid for trying to move on from something I was.
But the work became heavy. It became hard on my body. My ankles cracked and swelled every morning. I had won everything I wanted to win.
What else is there? Money? The challenge of being a basketball player?
The betrayal of one professional European club lead to the idea of retirement and logically it made sense. One day I want to run with my kids, I want to climb mountains, I want to let go.
Letting go isn’t easy, starting over isn’t easy, but I know it starts with having the key and turning it as often as you can.